It has been rather challenging to find my rhythm after moving out of the mission centre. Time is now fully in my control. I enjoyed the freedom of managing my own time and that also comes with the responsibility of managing the time well.
Heaps were happening through those months of being the “master” of my time. Part of me struggle to keep being disciplined and part of me was being open to see what God was saying through it all. It was indeed an invitation to touch the divine in the ordinary. I learnt to pray in a very different way – to connect to God through the moments of my day. Sometimes I felt like I was not praying enough, not reflective enough, not sensitive enough and the list goes on.
Rapid changes proved to be challenging even to a person like me who enjoyed the freshness of change. I struggle to adjust to the rapid changes especially the fact that we moved country – a new environment that calls for new understanding, acceptance and letting go of the lifestyle I was used to. Through the rapid changes, prayer life also proved to be really challenging. I struggle to make time, struggle to just show up even when I do not feel like praying, struggle to trust and was very restless.
It wasn’t until I received the sacrament of reconciliation that things started to turn God-ward again. I am really grateful for the open arms of the Father welcoming me back into His embrace again. Christmas of 2018 became a time of welcoming Baby Jesus into our home again. Our humble and rather empty home has space for God to come in – so was my heart!
The simplicity of the infant Jesus taught me that prayer can be rather simple. I am invited to connect to God as Irene, the beloved. It is about being open to allow God to love me – not quantify by the number of hours spent I guess. I was beating myself pretty hard for not fixing a time to pray. Life is very different now that I have other responsibilities to carry. So, what does it mean to pray then?
I realized for this season of my life, prayer simply means showing up, choosing to praise God in all circumstances and making commitment to have my holy pauses through the day. On the feast of the Baptism of the Lord, my husband and I were talking about ways to increase our income. We are currently running a campaign to sell one of his e-book on special. So we talked about how many copies do we want to ask the Lord to bless us with? I was ready to pray small but my husband challenged my prayer. His point was; “if we are asking for God’s help, let’s give Him a big number”. I was scared and excited at the same time. If God answers our prayer according to the number we asked, a lot of our financial worries would be lighten. So, I was in and we prayed for the big number and let’s see what God thinks about it.
God is so able to answer our prayer in accordance to what we want specifically but does He agree with what we asked for? I guess we will find out at the end of the campaign. At that moment of grace, I told my husband this: “however He choose to answer to our prayer, especially if He choose not to give us the number we asked for, that doesn’t make Him love us any less”. It was a moment of epiphany for me – to have the courage to ask for something that I am not even sure will be answered and having the grace to trust in the infinite love of the Father, regardless of the outcome.
That God-moment of mine brought me to a rest from my “need” to be in control. My ideal thought may look really good for me but if my ideal does not lead me closer to Christ, I guess that would be in vain to have. Probably this is a glimpse of the heart of the Father. Yes, He desires good things for us, sometimes just not the way we envision it – probably way better than how we would have crafted it.
Dear friends, I pray that you find rest in your restlessness and may God grant you the grace to be assured of your belovedness – however He choose to unfold His plans to you, His love for you is infinite.
With lots of love,