Daydreaming…

One of my favourite hobby is daydreaming as it often left me feeling good. I daydream even while I was praying. Recently those distraction during prayer went as far as going back in time and winning a huge lottery ticket that would have changed how my life would look like now. It can be so addictive but also proved to be super counter productive. Takes a bit of effort to get out of it and get a move on with the day.

As I spent time in Adoration on Thursday, I was reminded of my lottery winning daydream. Typical me reaction – I smirked knowing full well it’s not possible to go back in time and buy that winning ticket. At that moment of grace, I examined the character of God – loving, compassionate and most importantly He cares about my salvation. Beautiful but it would still be nice to win the lottery ticket; said my thought all the while holding on to that daydream and smiling with no reason. Then our gracious God spoke to my heart from the scripture;

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord.

 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55: 8-9

Those words led me to check my heart. Truthfully, in my opinion, my ways and thoughts are better. But in reality, God sees in full and I only see in part. My humanness has two sides here – the resistance to bend to God’s will and at the same time the desire for holiness. Realizing that I do not actually have the grace to trust fully or to allow God the space to fulfill His promises; I seek His rest in humility.

God’s way of fulfilling His promises in my life has been mind blowing. One great example is the gift of my husband. I was restless when I embraced the invitation to marriage as there was no man in my sight that would be right for me. I could not bring myself to settle nor was I patient in my wait. After much struggle with God, His grace overshadowed me and I was able to fully surrender my desire for marriage into the loving hand of my Heavenly Father. It was then I found rest. Once I started resting and actually believing that it’s going to be a long wait, the man God has for me reappeared in my life. I was so busy waiting for the right one that I was oblivious of his intentional friendship for a few weeks. Now I am married to my amazing husband whose character far surpassed what I would have imagined.

The other crazy fulfillment of my heart’s desire would be my heart to serve the people of my land. When God called me out of my beloved nation, it was the biggest struggle ever. I struggle to give Him my unreserved yes most especially embracing a new nation. I am grateful for the spiritual guides I encountered while being in New Zealand who has helped me to love this new nation as my own. My prayer was “your people shall be my people, dear Lord” (Ruth 1:16). When I found rest in fully giving my yes to the Lord for New Zealand, the funniest thing happened – He called me home to Malaysia. Hence, here I am given the full opportunity to serve the people of God here in my homeland.

Reflecting upon God’s way all these while, I can testify that He is trustworthy. I just need to allow Him the space and freedom to work in my life as He wills. Visions planted in our hearts are so great that they sometimes felt overwhelming because we know it too well that they are almost impossible by our own might. I truly believe that if what we have sensed as an invitation from God is to come true, He is going to show us His splendour. So much so that we would not be able to hold back our praise of Him even if we want to, when He fulfill His promise in His time.

I left the chapel that evening filled with hope. Those words are still being pondered upon in my heart, changing me slowly. The journey to fully trust and surrender has proven to be one challenging path. If I pay enough attention to look around the path, I am sure I can pick some flowers along the way.

Dear friends, I pray that you will take time to taste the goodness of the Lord as you live a life of trust in His will. May your journey be fruitful and sweet.

With lots of love,
Irene

Abide by Commitment NOT by Feelings

Ouch!!! was probably my response when I had those words spoken to my heart at Eucharistic Adoration last night. It has been a real long time since I last spent time at Adoration. Responding with a yes to the invitation placed in my heart earlier on the day was an awesome decision. It was refreshing and encouraging.

Navigating my new life has not exactly been easy with so many adjustment to make. I was not satisfied with a lot of things, the biggest one was my prayer life. Although I have been confessing my not too good kind of prayer life quite many times, the advice from the confessor only hit me recently. So I became careful to keep watch on my prayer life. The first week seems to excel with flying colours but as time and other demands of daily life took over, it became increasingly challenging to keep up with it.

The faithfulness of God was unwavering. As I struggle to keep my prayer time, I also experienced overwhelming grace. The fruits coming out of my little commitment was just so extraordinary. I noticed myself growing in my desire to lean my ears to listen to the beating heart of God.

So when I whined about the difficulty to keep up with what I want to achieve; like regularly updating this blog and to expand JumpStart, Christ in His loving way showed me what I had experienced these past few weeks of keeping up with my prayer time and encouraged me to abide by my commitment not by my feelings. It was awesome and at the same time an “ouch” moment. Gently, I came to accept that my procrastination and lack of drive to do anything for my own dreams are my responsibilities.

I am responsible for my happiness and my growth. What I sometimes did following my feelings were detrimental to my journey – like feeling lazy (and actually acted on the laziness) to do any promotion for JumpStart or to turn my reflections to meaningful words. Pushing on was never really easy considering my personality. I am blessed by the example set by my disciplined husband who chose to press on even when he did not feel like it just because he knew the outcome would be good.

My prayer was what kind of commitment would I like to give God? I believe that writing specific kind of commitment would help in getting things going. Through this time of encounter with Christ, I realized my strongest kind of commitment would be the ones I made with God and then had them shared with someone whom I can be accountable to. Here is where abiding in my commitment rather than my feelings would be a great tool in bringing me forward.

Dear friends, I pray that you are blessed with my little sharing. If you are struggling to keep up with your journey towards greatness of your being, reach out for help. Spiritual directors, spiritual accompaniers, coaches and mentors are there to support you in your journey. May you be encouraged to abide by your commitment and not by your feelings. Remember to celebrate along the way for every milestone achieved.

With lots of love,

Irene

The Colours of God’s Dream

“What is your passion?”

That is my favourite question to ask people I meet. More often than not it stirred something deep in the person. And the stirring manifest differently in different people. I am taking great risks when I put that forth and through some pleasant and some unpleasant responses, I learnt to be more discerning when I ask questions.

Our passion is deeply connected to our dreams and desires. I had numerous encounter with good meaning Christian who told me that I should throw away all my desires, dreams and plan. Personally for me, I tend to disagree with this approach. I believe our desires and dreams are God given. However, due to our sinfulness and our wounds in the past, our desires and dreams became tainted. The saving work of Christ has enabled me to acknowledge the tainting of my desires and dreams. And as a response to His mercy, I believe it is only fair that I go on a quest of allowing Christ to purify those desires and dreams.

I have been privileged to be reminded of a buried dream as a result of my fears and insecurities. That God given dream was buried because I allowed the other voice to overwhelm that still small encouraging voice. As I look at the Cross, I realised that I feared the pain of the process towards achieving that dream. The process towards the achievement of the dream is the purification process. More often than not, purification is a painful process.

God’s dream of salvation for mankind is of no difference. That process towards the attainment of mankind’s salvation involved great pain. And it is called the PASSION of Christ. The pain I am fearing is nothing in comparison to Christ’s. In fact, his PASSION has made it possible for me to dream His dreams.

The field of His dreams for me is the Holy Ground He has invited me to step into. Realising it as a Holy Ground, I fell to my knees feeling so unworthy to step into it. I was not even able to take off my sandals to step on His Holy Ground.

That was the moment of grace that Jesus came in His gentleman manner; inviting me to take a sit, asked me for my permission to allow Him to take off my sandals for me so that He can wash my feet. With my feet washed, He asked me to step in. How would you not be touched by that?

I was totally blown away by His mercy! How is it possible that God Himself would give me an invitation as such? What merit have I to be bestowed such an honour?

It was not until I heard a teaching on Isaiah 61 did I understand the logic behind Jesus’ invitation (see ICCRS 2013 Prophecies). My pair of sandals represents my pride and my fears; hence it made all sense that I was unable to take them off myself. Only Jesus can save me from my sin. Without Him, I simply cannot get rid of my pride and fears.

In His mercy, God has invited me to this journey of intimacy that has given me the grace to accept His love. I used to be that confident girl who thought that she was able to conquer the world. And mind me, my confidence is amazing gift. However, God desires more for me. He wants me to be fully dependent and to recognise who He is in His dreams for me. He wants me to possess His confidence.

If you have in any way felt unworthy to step into His Holy Ground, praise God! Recognising my poverty before God has been really painful and at the same time very freeing. Embracing the fact that I do have a need and my Saviour is ever ready to fulfil that need – is simply liberating. It fills me with hope of glory, that I do not have to have it all to move to higher ground.

Dear friends, let us approach the throne of grace with confidence and reignite our God’s dreams once again. If you are ever tempted to bury those dreams, just remember that Jesus is just a call away. As the image above shown, we are indeed the pencils (with different colours) in God’s hand. As Mother Teresa encouraged us; let us allow God to hold this pencil and draw His beautiful picture – His dreams for our lives.

May you be blessed!!!

With lots of love,
Irene

Note: Photo Credit – Stefan Hensel (Title: The Colour Spectrum)